On this bright, winter day, "the winter solistice" there's snow on the ground and anticipation in the air. Today, the longest day of the year and I'm already feeling it, awaiting a phonecall - how much longer do people want to take! The phonecall of 'Yes, we are going to give you the job' or 'No, your not good enough for us', each sentence makes a powerful aftermath either way. Of course I'd rather the former, but if the former, what do I do about the other interview in the New Year... the job title that I undertook three years of hell for, which is so close in my sights. Surprising I got an interview for, as they want someone with an MSc not a BSc... a mistake that the advertisement made by putting 'NSc', which could have easily been mistook as a 'B' or an 'M'. A difference of 10K from the first to the second. A difference of group working or sole working. A difference of variable shifts or a weekly 9-5 pattern.

I can only assume that because they haven't rung so far that I'm somewhere down the list of rejection - acceptance phonecalls. Or possibly they forgot and are now having lunch!! Either way I wish they'd hurry up... I dont know whether to jobsearch, if I do I'd only have to turn them down later when they gave me an interview. I think alike my boyfriend situations, I am eager to have one but rush into something and end up in the same situation later on when I realise it was just because of convenience. Alas, people can live without boyfriends, they cant live without money...

As another of my relationships came to a close on Friday just passed, I guess I'm still rerunning it all in my head of why it just eventually messes up and comes to an end. Yesterday, I looked for my answer - is it because the parents are divorced and this has effected in more ways that I wish to realise?

Perhaps, it hit me so hard that I see relationships in a bad light. Reading an article on the subject from my access to psychological pages I read something, which was so true: - 'Out of their experience of the parental breakup, children of all ages reached a conclusion that terrified them: Personal relationships are unreliable, and even the closest family relationships cannot be expected to hold firm.' This quotation picked from the article; yes it is so true - I look to the relationships I have encountered and I think not one of them was reliable; was it my own thoughts that drove each new relationship into the ground? My own actions because of the one thing that haunted my relationships, that in the end, I would end up like my parents?

Maybe, its not the initial divorce that did this - many children can continue their lives and have fabulous relationships after parents have divorced. However, there is evidence to support that my problems come from the here and now: my dad has multiple relationships - a behaviour that I have so readily accepted in the past too that when a proper relationship comes along I find it difficult to just put my focus on the one. But then not only that but I have my mum on the other hand who has stuck with just one man through the years of being divorced; splitting up with him - getting back with him, constant fighting and lack of trust. It is any wonder when I've been with someone for a couple of months that I look at my examples and tell myself is it worth it ? Is it really worth the pain, upset, anger, jealousy to go through it all? 

In my last relationship, I regret a couple of things: 1) That I blamed him for it all when really he didn't put a foot wrong. 2) The upset that I caused him, the hurt and the pain. 3) For letting the relationship go on for so long when I knew subconsciously that I don't have the ability to maintain one.

Hopefully the future, will bring brighter things! For the moment, I am sorry for those past partners who have suffered in the process.